Getting Your Conversations Back On Track
All of us encounter moments in our conversations where things feel like they are going sideways: something feels a bit off, someone’s body language changes, or a palpable tension enters the room.
These moments are important choice points! We can either step in and take action to realign and open things up, or we can let them become points of disconnection and misunderstanding. Typically when we encounter these awkward moments, we’re prone to fall into knee-jerk reactions—getting aggressive, getting quiet, tiptoeing, etc. Yet these reactions rarely take us to satisfying places.
What can we do when a conversation is going sideways to get it back on track and move in the direction of connection?
1) Make a connection request. This is a present-moment question to gauge the level of connection happening in the conversation. Connection requests sound like, “How are you feeling hearing what I just said?” “I’m sensing that maybe we aren’t on the same page anymore, would you let me know where you’re at right now?” “I’m worried that what I just said either hasn't made sense or that I didn’t communicate it well, could you tell me what you’re hearing?”
I personally love connection requests because they often catch something I could sense was happening, but couldn’t put my finger on. If the other person is willing to let me in on their experience (where they went astray, or what triggered them) then we have the chance to find our way back to each other! Making connection requests will probably feel kind of uncomfortable at first—they aren’t conventional in our day-to-day interactions, and can feel risky for that reason—but when used genuinely, they have the power to send the conversation in the direction of connection again.
2) Check your energy. One of the things that can send a conversation sideways is when the other person senses that the words I’m saying don’t match the energy I’m bringing. For example, I may be saying words that sound collaborative and nice, but my energy might read as adversarial. When this happens, people tend to withdraw, get defensive or close off, and this is often when you might sense things going sideways. What you can do when you sense this happening, slow down and check in: How close am I to my authenticity right now? Is there a gap between how I’m feeling on the inside and what I’m showing on the outside? How could I narrow that gap?
You might consider reporting out to the other person what you’re noticing in yourself when do you this energy check: “I’m noticing that I’m feeling [fill in the blank with inner experience].” When people feel we’re being open, direct and clear with our experience, they tend to stay open to us. When they feel we’re withholding something or trying to manipulate the conversation, they tend to close to us. By narrowing the gap between your energy and your words, you come across as more trustworthy.
3) Take a pause and revisit the conversation later. When we get in the thick of it, we often try to power through or push the conversation forward. We often forget that we can simply acknowledge that something is off, and choose to come back together when both parties have had time to reflect. This tactic works well for situations where you’ve already tried everything you can to understand where things are going sideways, and you can’t seem to put your finger on it. I’ve been in plenty of conversations where I’ve used all the tools in my toolkit and for whatever reason, something had come up that we just couldn't get underneath in the moment. When that happens, it serves to take space! Come back to the table when both people have a better understanding of what happened for them or where things went awry, and you can speak openly about it in a self-reflective way.
One common underlying dynamic that can send conversations sideways is the clash between intention vs. impact. In every interaction, we have an intention and an impact, and things can get awkward or tense when our intention isn’t matching the impact we’re having on the other person. This is something to be aware of and check out with the other person! For example: “I have the sense that maybe what I just said didn’t land in the way I intended. What’s going on for you?”
If your intention isn’t matching your impact, see if you can get curious about your impact. Whether or not you agree with the impact you had (it can sometimes be quite hard at first to see the perspective of the person we’ve impacted, especially if we feel they have misunderstood our intention!), see if you can at least stay curious about it, because that’s usually the doorway back to connection.