How To Heal From Codependency
Codependency is one of the #1 topics people ask me about, and one of my favorites to teach. Because it can be a source of such tremendous frustration, anxiety, conflict, and even shame, learning to understand and heal our codependency is a radically empowering experience—and a huge relief. Below I’m sharing some of the first steps I recommend to anyone interested in healing codependency. Take a look!
I define codependency as the act of seeking to ground or define ourselves via others.
It’s a learned survival behavior that operates mostly in our unconscious mind. As we grow up in the world, we take cues from our caregivers—we lean on them to help us find balance, come back to center when we’re emotionally dysregulated, and develop a sense of who we are. It’s normal, natural, and healthy for children to do this; it’s how we cultivate our identity and sense of safety in the world.
This becomes challenging, however, when we don’t have positive experiences with our caregivers. None of us had ‘perfect’ childhoods, and all of us went through experiences of not being seen, heard, attuned with, or validated in the way we needed. These experiences can range from mild (‘little t trauma’) to severe or even life-threatening (‘Big T Trauma’). Wherever we fall on this spectrum, all of us developed some degree of codependency—it’s pretty much woven into the fabric of being relational beings.
When you’re exploring your own codependency, I encourage you to remove any sense of judgment or stigma around the codependent patterns you observe in yourself. We can be very hard on ourselves in this place, but the truth is, codependency is not bad or wrong—it’s a symptom of unconscious fear. When we fall into codependency, it’s just a sign that we’re trying to regain a sense of security and safety in the only way we know how in that moment: by looking outside of ourselves.
While there is absolutely no need to feel any sense of shame around these tendencies, it can certainly be very frustrating to experience them! Many clients lament to me, “I know my codependency is unhealthy. I know it’s damaging my relationships. I know it’s toxic. How do I stop?!”
The first step is to forgive yourself for falling into codependency.
The harder you are on yourself for your own codependency, the longer you’ll stay stuck and the more difficult it will be to heal. Everybody falls into codependency from time to time—it’s in our wiring! We are relational beings. So start by forgiving yourself.
Now, it’s important to understand that at its core, codependency is self-abandonment. It’s the act of leaving ourselves and looking outward to find our sense of self. So when it comes to healing codependency, we must focus on coming back to ourselves.
‘Coming back to ourselves’ sounds great on paper, but honestly, this can be a painful process! Yes, the end result of being centered in ourselves (on the other side of working through our emotional material) is beautiful and grounding… but the process of cutting those energetic ties and releasing our sense of loyalty to others’ perceptions of us or others’ emotional states can feel quite disorienting. Don’t be alarmed if you feel scared, anxious, worried, etc. as you untether from your codependent patterns.
The second step is to come back to yourself by asking, “what’s going on for me right now?”
When I ask this question to someone who is struggling with codependency, their answer often bounces back to another’s experience:
“I feel like they’re mad at me.”
“I feel like what they said is unfair.”
Be patient with yourself if your default is to jump out of your own experience and back to someone else’s. This is a classic symptom of codependency. Just gently guide yourself back to your experience using the simple (but not always easy) question: “What is going on for me?”
How do I feel in my body? What does my breath feel like? What feelings are happening for me? What’s going on in my heart?
As we start to map our inner experience in this way, we begin to drop beneath our codependent habits and create an anchor to ourselves inside that brings a sense of safety and grounding.
Keep in mind: when we’re in a codependent pattern, fear is driving us. So when you check how you’re doing inside, you might find that some version of fear is present. In these moments, you can provide yourself the emotional attunement and security that perhaps you never received growing up.
The third step is to offer reassurance to the scared inner child who originally formed codependency as a way to try to feel safe.
Here are some phrases I like for this step:
I’m right here.
I’m not going anywhere.
It’s okay to feel how you’re feeling.
I won’t leave you.
I’m listening.
Even though you’re scared, I love and accept you.
I encourage you to think right now about some phrases that are likely to be soothing and reassuring for the vulnerable, scared inner child parts of you who developed the codependent tendencies to begin with. It’s helpful to have these phrases memorized so you can call them up at a moment’s notice whenever you need them.
The fourth and final step is to claim an energetic boundary.
Most of us, when we’re in a codependent pattern, do not perceive a boundary between ourselves and another. Often, we lose our sense of self and start to feel like the only thing that exists or matters is the other person’s experience. Because of this, it’s very healing to remind yourself of this energetic boundary.
Here are some of my favorite mantras for this:
My feelings are over here with me, your feelings are over there with you.
My experience is mine, and your experience is yours.
I am not responsible for your discomfort.
I am not responsible for resolving your pain.
I am not responsible for your healing.
I am loyal to and connected to my inner experience.
Having a healthy energetic boundary will allow you to grow the resilience and stamina to learn to engage from a place of raw, vulnerable, open connection, rather than codependent patterning.
Let me know how it goes!